awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
