She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
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My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
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Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
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