I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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