I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
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Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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