I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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