remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
