I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I am midnight drunk by noon
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
