You made me cry and you don't even care
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
