Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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