how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
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woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
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Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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