omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
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you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
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State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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