ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
