just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
