Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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