you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
