He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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