Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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