for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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