So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
