she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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