I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
