The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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