um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
