Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Can Purell be used as lube?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
