remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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