And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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