to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i drank out of a bidet.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
