Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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