so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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