but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
