i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
