thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
