i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
