the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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