i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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