Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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