Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
