I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
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