I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
