I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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