yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
