if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
