True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
