I swear she didn't look like that last week.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
