you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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