Are we in a gay sports bar?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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