you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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