I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
