my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he shaved USA in his pubs
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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