there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
