And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
