Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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