I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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